This Is Otakudom: The Gundam Wing Version!
by Tori Yuki Ichimura
Summary: Classic..CLASSIC fan parody. The fic you are about to read contains scenes of actual otaku and their activities. Be advised that although the events depicted occurred at a specific place they could easily happen at any convention. THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU
1. Default Chapter

**THIS IS OTAKUDOM**

****

**FPI WARNING**

The fic you are about to read contains scenes of actual otaku and their activities. Be advised that although the events depicted occurred at a specific place, they could easily happen at any convention. THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

Fan Parodies International encourages the reproduction, distribution, and exhibition of this unauthorized work of copyright infringement.

**Trowa: ***at the movie premier* So far, so good…

**Duo: **SHIT! WE FORGOT THE FIC DISCLAIMER! *pulls out a piece of paper and scribbles furiously*

**P.S.**

            The original fan parody belongs to Scott A Melzer & a Whole Lot of People at _No. N. D. E._ Also, the convention spotlighted has been changed from Otakon to Shoujocon. 99.9% of lines and actions are intact and they have been changed only where absolutely gender-ific-ly necessary or where we wanted to promote OUR favorite anime or where there was an inside joke or where someone else messed with their lines and actually made them funnier. Oh, and Tori has fixed a few parts that don't really lend themselves to type.

            Revision by Trowa Barton & Duo Maxwell with a **LOT** of help from Tori.

^__~

**Treize Kushrenada as Murray Cinemacher**

**Duet Maxine as Suzie Sweetrie**

**Duo Maxwell as Randy Wolfson**

**Wu Fei Chang as Andy Akshun**

**Tori Ichimura as Richard Hackard**

**Quatre Winner as Donny Gayeman**

**Heero Yuy as Steve Sweetrie**

**Trowa Barton as Murray Mettlegere**

**Relena Peacecraft as Jessie Bradt**

**Milliardo Peacecraft as James Bradt**

**Lucrezia Noin As Robert Deisschukker**

**Walker!!! as Jack**

**Rashid as Tyler**

**Marimeia Kushrenada as Chiriko**

**And**

**Lyra Koshima as Insane Richard Hackard Groupie**

_And now we're pleased to bring you our feature presentation._

**Kermit The Frog: **(as the Sesame Street theme song play over the Evangelion "ING" logo in the background) Today's fan parody has been brought to you by the suffix '–ing'.  As in _Violating_, _Copywriting_…but also _Forgiving_ and _Not_ _Suing_.

            Treize is sitting in his office, smiling. "Hi! I'm Treize! I'm a filmmaker. Perhaps you've heard of _Citizen Lain_…?

            Lain is wired to a computer. She turns to face the camera and utters, "Rosebud…"

            "Or _What's THAT Eating Gilbert Grape_?"

            A samurai charges down a hallway and flings open a door to find a monster feasting upon a dead body. The monster looks up in surprise. "Arou?"

            Treize stood proudly. "Those were mine." He continued on. "In 1984, I saw my first Japanese animation at my college's science fiction club. I remember being knocked out by it's animation quality!" He pushes a button and a nearby apartment complex explodes. 

"Deep storytelling…" 

Soldiers pour out of the complex and, also, out of Treize's building and start firing on each other in a display of horrible, bloody warfare.

"And vibrant characters."

There's a fan service shot of Duet stepping half-way out of the shower as air raid sirens blared. Back at the base, Noin and Lady Une do the same, followed immediately by a look at the women's barracks where the entire female squadron is showering..

Treize went on, seating himself neatly on the corner of his desk. "Seventeen years ago, Japanese culture was nearly unheard of in the United States. But now we eat their food."

Heero chows down nonchalantly on some ramen, focused more on the computer screen in front of him.

"We play their games!"

Duo, for the millionth consecutive time, loses to Gato while playing Gundam Wing Battle Assault as Deathscythe.

"We drink their beer!"

            Quatre shakes his head sadly as he plucks empty Sapporo cans out of the hands of the five other comatose pilots sprawled about the living room.

            "And we watch their cartoons."

            Tori bangs her head against a conveniently near-by wall as the pilots settle down to watch _Miyuki-chan In Wonderland_ for the eighth time that day.

            "This influence is a lot more widespread than you think."

            Sarah and Kat compare Guild message board stories with the aid of hand-made plushies of their favorite pilots. "Somewhere in Texas" flashes across the bottom of the screen.

            Treize cleared his throat and continued. Across the country, thousands of anime fans, or "otaku" gather in small clubs-"

            Wu Fei and Duo are stranded in the tree outside Wu Fei's window and pass the time reading _Paradise Kiss_ manga.

            "-and huge conventions."

            Relena and Duet cling to each other, sobbing, amongst thousands of other otaku crammed into the "Strawberry" video room at the Shounen-Ai Love-In.

            "So in the late spring of 2001 when I heard one such convention, Shoujocon, would be held in East Brunswick, New Jersey, I jumped at the chance (here Treize leaps to his feet) to make the documentary, the, if you will, Otakumentary (suave smirk) that you are about to see."

            "I wanted to capture the sights…"

            In Ballroom A, hundreds of attendees are captivated by the "What's This? (Shuichi's Question)" music video.

            "The sounds…"

            Chibi-chibi girl dressed in a DiGi Charat costume attempts karaoke. Even though the only Japanese she knows is 'kawaii!'. ((**Duet: ***spaztic twitching fit*))

            "The…smells…"

            Duo comes tearing out of the men's room, coughing and wheezing, and leans against The Pole to catch his breath.

            "-of an American anime convention. And I got that. But I got more… A lot more…

            "But, hey! Enough of my yakkin! As the fans say, 'Let's roooooooll out!"

            Heero grins sadistically and hums the Transformers theme as his suit converts to bird mode.

            _As the spaceship Yamato cruises along in the background "No. N. D. E. Films Presents 'This Is OTAKUDOM" and below that "A film by Martin Cinemacher"_

**Duo: **I believe after this fic we are BEYOND indebted to Tori…

**Tori: **What are you talking about?

**Trowa: **Well…

**Tori: **You're beyond indebted to me already!

**Duo: ***grumbles* How did we get pigeonholed into working with only ONE authoress…?

**Trowa: **Easy… Kurokawa pays her to keep an eye on us.

**Tori: **O___O SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *bashes Trowa with folding chair*


	2. The Introductions

**Part 2**

            Somewhere in Spoufton, New Jersey, (just north of the Middle Of Nowhere, New Jersey, don'tcha know) a pigeon cooed. The camera panned one of Spoufton's streets (the neighborhood just a tad behind the times) and came to rest on the B. Seakoe Beaver Memorial High School. Again, the pigeon cooed.

            The loudspeaker rang with a "Minna-san, konnichiwa," but the rest of the announcement was drown out by students.

            Duet slumped in her desk and moaned, "Oh! I'm still sore from those ropes last night…"

            "Too much hentai, huh?" Relena countered.

            "Lucky girl," someone commented, but she was promptly ignored.

            "Yeah, I know…" Duet frowned.

            The two girls met again with some other friends after school to wait for the bus. 

            "So…are you going to Shoujocon this year?" Relena asked, hugging her books and moving closer to Duet.

            "What's that?" the brunette frowned.

            "It's this GREAT anime convention! They have it in East Brunswick this year!

            "A convention?" one of the other girls asked.

            "Yeah! Hundreds of fans take over some hotels, stay up late, eat bad food, don't shower, buy over-priced merchandise and watch ANIME!"

            Duet slips into a typical shoujo internal dream sequence, complete with a sparkly pink background. "Wow! I had no idea such wonderful things existed! It's so romantic! Hundreds of people just like me all watching anime!"

            "You're kidding, right?" the girl from before scoffed.

            "Ewww! Unwashed otaku guys!" added another.

            Duet ignored them. "Wow! ^___^ That sounds so cool!" 

            "No way!"

            "Count me out!"

            "Oh, you girls are no fun… Well, I'm going!"

            Duo was leaning against the brick wall at their usual meeting spot when she found him.

            "So… Did you bring the massage oil, chocolate panties and Sakura costume…?" he grinned wolfishly.

            "Never mind that. I just heard about Shoujocon! It's an anime convention!" Duet replied excitedly.

            "Shoujocon?"

            The camera zoomed in on Duet and **'Duet Maxine: Shoujo Fan'** appeared on the bottom of the screen. "Yeah! There's a dealers room, Whack-A-Thon, Parliament, Cosplay, Music Videos, Art Room and…"

            "And…hentai?" The camera focused on Duo now and the bottom read** 'Duo Maxwell: Hentai Freak'**. "Alright! We're going!" He turned around and started to walk away.

            "WHAT!?" Duet tackled him, hugging his legs, and they both fell over. "That's not all there is to anime!  It's about love and justice and bishonen guys, cherry blossoms, sparkles, flowers, and cute little animals!"

            The braided boy waved a flag of surrender. "Yeah, whatever, sorry…"

            Duet let him go and sat back on her knees. "Can we go home and watch _Marmalade Boy_?"

            "Again???"

            "Well… I just got a new Miyazaki fansub…"

            Duo sat up and leaned in. "My Love-Slave Totoro?"

            "Eh?"

            "Hehehe…" He leapt to his feet and Duet followed suit.

            "Grrr… PERVERT!" she chased him around the side of the wall an into the open space behind it.

            A pigeon cooed.

            "Okay, okay! I'll take you, I'll take you!" Duo relented, laughing.

The camera hovered above what appeared to be a small dojo where someone inside is practicing.

"There is no brick… There IS no brick." That someone took a deep breath. "WHOPPHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!" _WHACK!  _"Ow! My hand!"

The scene switches to inside the dojo where Wu Fei is blowing on his bruised hand and Duet is sitting across from him, frowning. A title below Wu Fei explained that he was, in fact **'Chang Wu Fei: Hong Kong Film Fan'**

"You can't break a cinderblock with your hand!" she scolded.

Wu Fei pouted. "Awww, but it looks so cool in the movies!"

"So, are you going to Shoujocon?" Duet sighed, brushing away his excuse.

"Yeah, I checked out their web site!  They're gonna have the US World premier of "Return of the Magnificent Student of the Legendary Seven Deadly Chinese Dragon Masters… " He grasped both sides of his sando-gasa- "…versus the Shaolin Ninjas…" –and pulled it down, disappearing beneath it. "-ON FIRE!"

Duet picked up the hat and turned it over a few times, inspecting it. With a look of confusion, she turned to the camera. "I'm sorry, Treize….but ever since he saw 'Dances With Drunken Ninjas' he's been such a show-off!"

            Outside, the braided girl sat against the trunk of a tree, reading to herself.

            "Now that the million-strong Berserker-Chobits army had been decimated… the jubilant crowd of Battle Athletes…  cheered their savior Tori… as she descended triumphantly from her Gundam."

            A pigeon cooed.

            Tori smiled and walked up to Duet as **'Tori Yuki Ichimura: Fanfic Writer'** flashed across the bottom. "So what do you think of my latest chapter? Isn't it, like ,really cool?"

            "Uh, yeah, sure…" Duet said sarcastically.

            "Have you gotten to the part where everybody dies…?"

            "Not yet!"

            A pigeon, probably the same one, cooed.

            "Whoopsies!  Sorry about that.  I read your e-mail last night.  Shoujocon sounds really great!  It'll give me a chance to meet all of my fans!" Tori grinned.

            A giraffe dies. ((**Duo: **There was a random sound clip of a giraffe dying from the South Park movie))

            "Yeah… All ONE of them," Duet whispered.

            Tori walks off, narrating the rest of the chapter to herself. "And then Tori single-handedly gathered all seven Dragon balls to summon Shenlong to wish everybody back to life…"

            "So there you are."

            "Huh?" Duet turned to the right and saw a pair of brown khakis.

            "Guess what! I've almost finished my _Ah! My Goddess _costume!" The camera moved up to show Quatre grinning. Across the bottom of the screen it read **'Quatre R. Winner: Bishounen Fan'**. "Oh, I hope I can have it ready in time for Shoujocon!"

            Duet stood up and brushed herself off, discreetly tossing Tori's latest chapter into a near-by stream. "Oh, well, uh, maybe you'll meet a nice boyfriend at the con!"

            Quatre frowned. "Listen, there's NOTHING wrong with appreciating _cute_ boys in Sailor Scout uniforms, and girl anime costumes are much prettier and more elaborate than the guys'.  But how many times do I have to tell you…?" His eyebrow twitched and he pinched her cheek. "I'M NOT GAY!"

            "Yeah, sure, right…"

            "Coo," said the pigeon.

**Duo: **I hate those pigeons …

**Wu Fei: **Don't worry. Justice will be served…

**Tori: **Why did I have to be Richard…?

**All: ***blink at Tori as if it is not blatantly obvious*


	3. The Mission

**Part 3**

            Duet shuffled down a semi-crowed sidewalk, absent-mindedly heading for the green pay phone on the corner. "So that makes five of us… I wonder how Relena is doing with the rest of the anime club…" she wondered aloud as a bright red sports car screeched by and crashed off-screen.

            A pigeon cooed.

            The angle of the screen switched to just above Duet's head as she opened the booth. "Excuse me, could you change somewhere else?"

            "Oh. Sorry!" the person inside apologized and left. 

"Thank you!" The braided girl stepped inside and rifled through her pockets for a few seconds before she found her phone card.

            "I hope my Eva card has more time on it…" she murmured and inserted it into the slot.

            "N-T-T Youkoso," the phone droned in a heavy Japanese accent. 

            _Beep-boop-bip!_

            "That was only three numbers. Please enter another four."

            _Bip-beep-boop-bop!_

The phone rang twice before someone answered and the screen split to show who.

            "STOP CALLING ME! I'm not gonna tell you what my favorite scary movie is!" Relena's mother cried as Star Trek music drifted along in the background.

            "Um…no… It's me. Duet."

            "Oh, uh, h-hi, Duet, dear."

            "Yeah… Anyway, is Relena there? I need to talk to her about Shoujocon."

            "Shoujocon!? Absolutely not! I know what goes on at conventions! *sigh* …I was a trekkie…"

            "But all of us from the anime club are going!" Duet protested.

            "Well! No daughter of MINE is going to wake up naked in a crowded hotel room with a bottle of tequila in one hand…and a tribble in the other!

            "Huh? That means she's going…right?"

            Mrs. Darlain hung up and the screen returned to normal. Duet exited the phone booth and took a few steps down the sidewalk before stopping abruptly and looking up.

            "Tribble…? Ooooh…I bet that's something Duo would know about!"

~*~*~*~

            As the camera pans the tree line, Duo's voice booms from somewhere below.

            "Alright! This is our first con so we must plan this very, very carefully…"

            Two pigeons flapped into the scene, cooing for the sheer joy of it.

             "_KEEEESHHHH! _These birds will self-destruct in eighty seconds…"

            The pigeons cooed and, having said their peace, the scene moved inside the anime club's HQ (actually AC, the small cabin in the woods smack dab in the Middle of Nowhere, New Jersey). Duo, Quatre, Wu Fei and Duet sat around a wooden table looking very serious considering the subject at hand.

            "So… Other than ten cases of Jolt and duct tape, what would we need?" Duo frowned. You can do absolutely ANYTHING with duct tape…as long as you have Jolt to keep you awake.

            Wu Fei leaned forward and held up his index finger. "Two hall costumes, one cosplay costume, two bottles hair gel, one pair Jackie Chan action slippers, $300 dealers room money and guns… LOTS and LOTS of GUNS."

            "Good idea! Why didn't I think of that? I'll bring my _Devilman_ toothbrush, gummi tentacles, shoe mounted cameras, _Cutey Honey_ alarm clock, Blue Stuff and some sailor fukus!" the braided boy agreed.

            "…of death!" Wu Fei tacked on tastefully.

            "But with all that stuff and my dresses, make-up, J-Rock CDs, blonde hair dye, a trash bag full of rose petals, the rest of the anime club and my many, many shoes… I don't think we'll all fit in my Yugo!

            "Oh, that's okay.  I'll just get my brother to borrow the van and then I'll tell Relena that we're all going to..." Duet stopped mid-sentence and slipped into a helpfully-labeled Shoujo Over-Dramatization.

            'Oh no! I can't tell them what Relena's mom said! About the tequila! And the tribbles! …whatever those are… They might be too scared to go!' she thought. 

In her imagination, Shenlong (tribble) loomed over Relena. 

            "Hey, little girl…" 

            Relena turned and her scream shattered the screen. As the now-satisfied "tribble" flew off, it offered as hearty "Thanks for the virgin schoolgirl! …I'm off!" 

**NOT an actual tribble** flashed across the bottom of the screen.

            …anyway… ^___^* Back in the real world, the conversation resumed. 

            "Okay, that takes care of the transportation…but what about a hotel room?" Quatre frowned, his eyebrows knit in concern.

            "Don't worry! I know just the sucker, er, I mean… friend with a credit card that can help us out!" Duet smiled and stood. She turned a skipped out the door in a cloud of happiness, only to have it shattered moments later after a fateful 'Oh! Pretty birdie!"

            **_BOOM!_** The pigeons co-er, exploded.

            "Huh?" Duo and Quatre grunted while Wu Fei contented himself with an "Awww…"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**Duo: **Two chapters and we haven't even gotten to the con yet!

**Tori: **I like small chapters, damnit!

**Trowa: **… *smiles and waves* Hey, Sarah.

**Duo: ***bleaugh* You guys are so mushy you make me gag…

**Trowa: ***punches Duo and continues waving*

**Tori: **-___-* This fic is so bad… *laughs* You just can't really put this video into words.


	4. Aw, shit It's Minimum!

**Scene 9**

**Introducing Video Gamers Trowa and Heero**

         Then camera panned through a semi-crowded arcade, skimmed over a couple of sailor senshi struggling with the joystick of a rather debasing fighting game, and settled on Trowa Barton as he approached Heero's table.

         "Hey, dude!" he called.

         "Huh?" Heero looked up from his drink. The bottom of the screen explained that he was none other than '**Heero Yuy: Video Game Fanatic'**.

         "I just got the new issue of Weekly Famitsu! Ultimate Tricks & Cheats 2000!" [read Chibi Chazoo's Fakes & Hoaxes Vol 12]

         A shrill beep from the miniature coffee maker at the table distracted Heero for a moment. "Yes! Maximum caffeine!" He pulled open the small door and was rewarded with a full cup that read 'minimun caffeine'. "Aw shit…" he frowned, but took it anyway.

         Trowa ignored his friend and plopped into the chair across the table, too engrossed in the book in his hands. "Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right B, A, select, start, take off every zig? Woah! This book rules!" Below the banged boy flashed **'Trowa Barton: Yup, Another One'**_._

         'Oh, I love it when he talks dirty…' Heero thought as a slight smile played across his face.

         "I heard about that con your sister Duet's going to. They're going to have SWEET import video games and tournaments. Dude, with this book, we could SO clean up," the Russian boy explained, waving the book at his friend. Heero snatched it and flipped through a few pages.

         "Man, these new patterns for Dance Dance Revolution 42nd remix are really complicated!" he exclaimed, flipping it around and holding it up so Trowa could see.

         "Aw, shit! They're all written in Japanese! How the hell am I supposed to figure this out?"

         Heero handed it back to his friend. "Anyway, Duet's begging me to drive everyone down in mom's van."

         "Well, we would have to share a room with her crazy friends, but think of all the games we'll play before anyone else!"

         "Yeah, alright… I'll tell her we'll go. But are you sure we're gonna win this?"

         Trowa grinned. "Oh yeah…. This book's got it all. Check it out! Space Channel Five nude codes…"

         "Yeah, sure. Thos never work."

         "Dude, no joke. They've got screen shots."

         Heero near leapt over the table. "Woah! Let me see!"

**Scene 10**

**Introducing Not An Anime Fan Milliardo**

         The _Iron Chef_ theme drifted though the halls to where Relena was standing outside her brother's bedroom door. "Hurry it up, bro! Iron Chef is on!" she called, checking her watch.

         "Uh, I can't believe you're making me do this," he replied, opening the door but remaining in the shadows.

         "Hey, it's an anime con! You gotta go in costume… and the best one I could find for you was Gourry, from Slayers." 

The theme music in the back made a drastic switch to the Slayers theme 'Get Along' as Milliardo stepped into the lighted hallway, decked out in full Gourry drag. "I feel like such an idiot…" he grumbled. Below him appeared the title **'Milliardo Peacecraft: NOT An Anime Fan'**.

         "Great, you'll fit the part. Look, mom refuses to let me go to Shoujocon unless my big brother's there to protect me. So just play along…it'll be fun!" Relena smiled.

         "I'd rather be doused in gasoline and set on fire than waste an entire weekend watching anime."

         "Super! You start packing and I'll go tell mom and Suzie the plan. And if you don't like that costume, I could always lend you one of my sailor fukus…"

         Milliardo paused for a moment to picture exactly how that would look, but quickly shook his head to rid himself of the disturbing image. "Ah no, no no! That's okay! This'll do!"

**Scene 11**

**Noin, The Vampire**

         Duet, Tori and Quatre huddled together in Noin's backyard. The sun had set only a few minutes before…it was the ideal time to catch Noin's attention.

         "If we had pre-registered, we…wouldn't have this problem," Tori frowned.

         "Shoujocon's tomorrow and rooms are seven hundred bucks a night!" Duet replied.

         "She's not gonna fall for it…" Quatre chimed in, edging closer to the two girls.

         Tori turned to Duet. "What did you tell her?"

         "Uh, that we were going to a live action vampire RP?" she grinned and raised her eyebrows.

         The Japanese girl sighed. "Yup! Duet's brain has left the building…"

         A little ahead of the group the sound of a snapping twig caught their attention.

         Noin stood in the middle of a clearing, her hand on the hilt of a sword in a sheath behind her. "The pale moon seeps through the sepulchral night. It bathes the darkest form of the lonely lady of darkness in darkness, loneliness and despair…" she whispered to herself. Below her across the bottom of the screen was written **'Jadis Darkstrider: True-Brujah Justicar'**_._

         "Earth to Noin!"

         The title quickly changed to **'Er… Lucrezia Noin: Tabletop RPG Player'**.

         "I'm not finished! Shrouded in darkness, her… Hey! What are you guys doing in my back yard?"

         Duet stared wide-eyed. "Cool entrance…"

         Noin smiled and winked. "If you liked that, check this out!"

         The scene quickly changed to Noin standing tall atop a seemingly high cliff. 'Enter the dark walker of the endless night…Behold!" She jumped down off the short drop and crouched in front of Duet. "Like the costume? I got it in Chinatown…" She held up her arm and pushed the sleeve down. "I also got this kick-ass tattoo. It means 'resurrection without redemption'," she grinned maniacally. Unbeknownst to her, it actually read 'Stupid gaijin, I take your money'.

         Quatre shook his head. "Yeah…so Noin, you gonna come to this vampire…thing?"

         "Our, uh, clan would be honored?" Tori added.

         Noin straightened up and smirked. "Duet has told me…of the Prince of East Brunswick's invitation… and your need for a hotel room. Heh, no problem! It'll be my pleasure to get away from all these anime geeks."

         "Yeah, right… Nothing but us vampires!" Duet said, then turned to Tori and whispered, "See! I told you it would work… She fell for it!" Then she turned back to Noin, bowed, and said, "Arigatou, gozaimasu!"

         "Uh, that wasn't Japanese right there!" Quatre cried.

         Tori rolled her eyes. "We're doomed…"

**Heero: **Noin… A tabletop RPG player… *laughs*

**Trowa: **No no no! Noin a VAMPIRE!

**Both: ***more laughter*

**Duo: ***wistful sigh* I wish we had actually GONE to Shoujocon… That was the most disappointing day of my life.

**Wu Fei: ***pats Duo on the back* There, there… California wasn't so bad.

**Duo: **Well, it wasn't bad, but it still wasn't Shoujocon.


End file.
